Right. This has become a bit of an obsession now. I think I must be in heat. Suddenly discovering this world of unlimited sex with pretty boys has taken on a life of itself. So, in order to aid my new hobby, here are some tips for any gents who think they have what it takes –
1) Decide what you are.
Are you gay? Straight? Gay for pay? Straight for pay? It’s all fine, but just make sure you know what you’re prepared to do. Are you the delusional type who thinks that you’re going to get triple figures for the pleasure of being taken out by a lady? If so, you better makeyourself triple figures – hit the gym, dentist, tanning salon, professional pictures, professional website. Then watch as your investment dribbles down the drain, and your phone stays silent.
2) Are you serious?
Do you seriously want a stranger rocking up to your door, asking you to fuck her? Don’t be fooled, it might not be some lonely cougar divorcee type. She might be fat, old, bald, toothless, or just so low on self confidence that it’s going to be like opening a hazelnut with cotton wool. That’s where your people skills are going to come in. But set yourself up, be confident, charming, and don’t stutter and bumble on the phone if/when it rings!
You will need a polished looking profile, with all your details and pictures on.
a – Learn how to write. No text speak, no bad grammar, capitols where they should be. Nothing turns off a woman than shit English. Remember, your target audience are professional women, ladies with cash to spend and who are -ultimately – too picky to have sex with just anyone. I would use words like ‘intelligent, charming, debonair’. Women swoon over Mr Darcy for a reason. Name me one character in the history of romance that has ever gotten anywhere by staying stuff like ‘i will fuk u till u beg 2 stop!’. No. Bad. We are girls. To us, Pride & Prejudice is a porno.
b – Pictures. A must. Depending on where you’re advertising, you will need one of your face, a full body (clothed is fine) and if you’re going for sex worker places like adultwork, a cock shot. Yes gents, I want to see what Im getting. Prune it, you’ll be amazed at how much bigger it looks without pubes. Don’t put your hand in the way, it looks like you’re hiding something. Show it fully erect, a cock ring will help it look more swollen. AVOID putting pictures of women in there, no matter what you’re doing to them. Although this is a fairly straightforward agreement, we still get a little jealous of you fucking someone else. And, quite frankly, pussy does nothing for me.
And do try and get some good pictures, not just ones of you infront of your grainy webcam. Of course, this doesn’t lend itself too well to getting professional shots, but the least you can do is be well lit, wearing something smart, and not standing in a messy bedroom. Again, the amount of money you spend on yourself and your advertising will reflect the amount of money a woman is prepared to spend on you.
Oh, and no pictures of you in the pub with your mates. Yes, I’m sure you’re a great laugh. Absolutely you have a good social life, no doubt all the lads think you’re the bomb. But I am not after a date with you. I have no interest in your friends. Why have pictures of Hooters girls kissing you? I am not a Hooters girl, so are you too good to have me kiss you?
c – Advertise. If you’re serious, get a profile on adultwork, or gentlemen4hire, and maybe even a website. I’ve only been at this search for a few days, but I’d much rather go to the places with an independent profile than go to an agency. (WARNING: DO NOT PAY to go with an agency. ESPECIALLY if there are no details for Ladies as to how to book a guy. I’ve seen dozens where all the FAQs are geared towards ‘How do I become an escort’ rather than how to book. It’s a scam. They want your registration fee, and that’s it) Plus if you dofind the grail, the Mecca that is a ‘for real’ Male escort agency (you wont) then remember, they’re going to take a large chunk of your earnings. Don’t bother, set yourself up independently and keep the cash. You’ve earnt it, Sugar.
You’re a whore now, act like one. Get a work phone (sim cards are free, second hand phones are a snip), a dedicated email address that will go to your smart phone so you can answer asap – remember, our bravado has an expiration date. Leaving an email for more than a few hours will see someone snip up the business, or our libedo die away. Go on Twitter and join in the escort conversation with the men and women. Female escorts have got a wealth of experience, you can learn from it. Sites like Saafe will also help you network.
Ok, so you’ve advertised, you’ve whored yourself around the net, and some lucky lady has picked up your number and decided to call. DON’T mumble and stutter on the phone. You’re Hugh Grant, you’re Pierce Brosnan, you’re Colin Firth (although, not when he was in The Kings Speech). Be serious. Take the booking, give her a postcode or nearest tube/train station. Ask her if there’s anything in particular she’s interested in. I think, as a girl, there are certain things I would say, but wont mean. Sorry chaps, you might have to be a bit of a mindreader, but you’ll get better!
‘I just want a bit of fun’ – A fuck.
‘To be Pampered’ – Sex, massage, candles, soft music etc
‘Someone to take control’ – You’re the Dom, don’t be scared, but make sure you both know your limits beforehand.
I’m sure there’s more, but that’s how my own brain would put it anyway.
You will need various things in order to set the right ambience.
-A clean flat.
-Fluffy Towels (I want a shower beforehand, and maybe after, so prepare for it. Also, we like comfort)
-Girly shower gel
-Refreshments (You don;t have to invest in a bottle of Pinot everytime, but it would be nice if you offered a glass of water at least)
-Have tissues & baby wipes ready to go for you.
-Cock ring – this will help you stay hard.
-Porn – probably more for you than us, but cant hurt to have some on standby if you think it’s going to be a difficult one.
And remember, men have a way of making their environment smell of men. Before the appointment, open a window, and stick on an ambi-pur.
How much should you be? I have no idea. But any guy pricing himself as more than the good female hookers out there will be out of my good books. At the moment, as an experimental newbie, I’m happy to go with £100-200 an hour. Bearing in mind I don’t expect to be there for an hour, but it’s nice to have the option of being able to chill out and chat. Sorry chaps, but this won’t put you through college or pay your rent. Treat it as a nice way to have NSA sex, and a bit of beer money afterwards. If you really want to be paid £650 to be a dinner date, or have delusions of being a Plus 1 at a wedding, you had better be worth every penny. You won’t be, sorry. You’ll need to actually be Colin Firth for that.
It’s a world of contradictions. Be humble, but worth the money. Be homely, but sexy. Be human, but out of my league. Be horny, but not sex obsessed. Be smart, but not a smart-arse.
And remember, this is just from me, my brain, a woman who – whilst being your target audience – is basically just using a few days of experience and a wealth of common sense to put this together. Maybe you have your own plan of action, and I would hate to put a dampner on things for you. But hopefully, somewhere, I’ve given you some good advice